So they have a Ball. Vel-crows. 22 How can you tell if a redneck is married? What did the snail who was riding on the turtle's back say? 242. 178. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? To get to High School. Knotty Kinks. How do you make a tissue . 35 Animal Jokes For Kids In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. Then it dawned on me. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.". Leave the pizza in the oven. When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me. And if you have a house, you probably have a wife, and if you have a wife you must be a heterosexual!if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_11',619,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0'); Wow! Jim said, You found all that out just because I have a weed Wacker! The Dean nodded. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Because he wont submit. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? What did the big flower say to the little flower? It's got a rattle. 280. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? The signature of a dad joke is that it's utterly uncool. You go on ahead. If you need a hilarious joke about animals - there are at least a couple of those in here. He looks at his mother and says, "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a . "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. 107. These catchy Valentine phrases paired with candy, a small toy 500+ Hilarious Jokes for Kids {Kid Approved}, Easy DIY Face Mask Pattern | FREE Printable, 10+ Free Cute Girl Coloring Pages for Kids of All Ages. A dragon sees two knights and sighs. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. How long does it take to make butter? Then two years ago, you told me to go to Mexico, and Earlene got pregnant again. ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. (2022), Mason Jar May Day Basket | FREE Printable Tags, 500+ Hilarious Jokes for Kids {Kid Approved} . Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? Youre nuts! 49. Where do you find a dog with no legs? May I ask you a question? Why do bees have sticky hair? Which superhero hits home runs? Or, a less awkward one anyway. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.This must be a mistake, the man says. Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Required fields are marked *. What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? These conversational dragon jokes will have the kids giggling all day. As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. "The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over! Let us know what you think! What do you call a pudgy psychic? A redneck took his daughter to the gynecologist. 148. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him. How do celebrities stay cool? 179. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? 38. Where do birds invest their money? Why dont blind people skydive? A cool joke about geography? Because its so cool. 283. Like I said, it's been a rough day. I had him chained to a transmission!. That's because a short one-liner or silly knock-knock joke is almost always guaranteed to inspire a chuckle or two if not a full-on belly laugh from friends and family. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Because every play has a cast. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. Funny dad jokes that will make anyone laugh. "See that over there? A spelling bee. Q: Who's there? Ten tickles 22. What do you do with old German cars? The Genie said okay and asked him, "Alright Mr. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. Put it on my bill.. A gummy bear. Corny (OK, bad) one-liners. 83. He got 12 months. A cornfield. She was having a dry spell. What makes cars not work properly when you change wheels? ", I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. A father-in-law. "This must be a mistake," the man says. Tied his hair to the chair and told him to get up. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Add spring water. Which bus never drove on any street? Get me a beer! She gets very frustrated. 133. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!, the officer said.I did, the man replied. A terminal illness. My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. Ask why the tomato blushed? I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long? 158. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. A chocolate. Half a worm. Why do oranges wear sunscreen? 125. A soccer match. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. 177. But, somehow he couldn't find him anywhere. 84. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. 39. Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. Mercury is in Uranus right now. Because their capital is always Dublin. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Lawsuits. After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. 130. Wheeeee! Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about. 243. 132. I can do it with my eyes closed. Knotty Dreads. "Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Sometimes I wonder why but kids love knock-knock jokes. 136. I got rid of my vacuum. Purrr-ple. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, 30 Y.O. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. The past, present and future walked into a bar. Luna-ticks. Secondhand stores. 23 Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Tennessee State Lottery? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. An Envelope. 50. Why did the melon jump into the lake? A stick. It was tense. What did the snail who was riding on the turtles back say? Hey Pandas, Post A Picture Of A Cat Being Naughty, 30 Pictures Of Beautiful Bangladeshi People By Mou Aysha (New Pics), 79 Surreal Images Of Sneakers Placed In Some Very Interesting Locations By Carlos Jimnez Varela. ", "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second? 200. He opens it and sees the same snail. Billionaire Mindset On Dreads Dreadlocks Crazy Hair. 245. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! 173. Why should you knock on the refrigerator before opening the door? The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store. A buccaneer. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. Because it was soda pressing. ", During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? Why couldnt the pony sing? 56. 196. Why did the photograph go to jail? 153. 142. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper? My dog sat on a piece of sandpaper. Theyre immediately taken back to a room. What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? They only have one tail. 236. What did one hat say to the other? It was ruff. I always pronounce one word wrong. Whats the difference between a rabbit and a plum? After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. Whats an astronauts favorite candy? What does a ghost wear to splash in puddles? On a road trip with the family? What did the grape do when it got stepped on? ", inquired the teacher with a sneer. Impractical Jokers on 9th season, funniest joke gone wrong, Valentine's Day jokes that prove humor is the way to the heart, Father's Day jokes and puns to tell dad on his day, Funny Thanksgiving jokes for kids and adults. Prime mates. It was a tyrannosaurus wrecks. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! But if the adult jokes are good, they're really good. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". 290. 247. The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese? Carl had a big swollen nose.Whoa, what happened, Carl?, Max asked.I sniffed a brose, Carl replied.What?, Max said. My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! Today is my first day as a cab driver I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.". Which state is the smartest? Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels. Never mind, I shouldnt spread it! Ill hang around. 209. After an intense day of Googling and scrolling, he likes to lose himself in League of Legends or make a couple pretzels while practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. By hareplanes. Theyre always up to something. says the wife. He pulled him over again. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. What part of the car is the laziest? 299. Why was there a bug in the computer? A woman walked up to a little old redneck rocking in a chair on his porch. What is the tallest building in the entire world? You look drunk. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, Mother of six, I think its time to go! The wife immediately shouts back, Ill be right with you, father of four!, Two young boys had their redneck cousin over to spend the night with them. A desserter. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. What did the full glass say to the empty glass? he shouted.A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me. Hour you doing? Linas is a SEO List Curator at Bored Panda with a bachelor's degree in Communication & Digital Marketing. What do you call spaghetti in disguise? What did the grape say to the silly peanut butter? Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Everything you need over 50% OFF. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Cloud nine. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. Eileen. 184. What do you call a pig that does karate? 215. What is a gust of winds favorite color? Why aren't there any restaurants on the moon? Cars, camping, and even baking - all of these topics are discussed in these funny jokes that are long, entertaining, and purely hilarious. Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg." "When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?" Youve just made my day. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. Is there anybody up there?" But all these years you never said a thing. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room. ""Didn't know how fast you could walk". He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay? What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Market research. ", Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong? 86. And the genie sends him back home.Im lonely, says the third friend. I'm really good at sleeping. @hotmail.com: You still think that MySpace is hip. A four-chin teller. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Whats red and bad for your teeth? 252. He was looking a little green. Football and Construction. 81. 147. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? Where should you go in the room if youre feeling cold? Tickle its balls. IHOP. Why shouldn't you trust atoms? A garbage truck. What do you call a crocodile wearing a vest? What do skateboarders do when theyre really talented? What do you call a fly with no legs? Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? You're the father of twins. What did the right eye say to the left eye? Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Laugh more: Funny Money Jokes Why waste perfectly good fuel on a tyrant? ", Two young salmon are swimming along one day. Because nothing gets under their skin. 34. "Me: "Ship her home. Thanks Ill never part with it! 264. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? There was de-Brie everywhere. He had an eye-saur. It just didnt work out! There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Not Happy. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. ", asks the bear. Why are the Irish so wealthy? Have a good laugh over these clean jokes you can tell your friends and kids without getting in trouble! 16. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? She gets out and says I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. I think she could be right.Saul replied enthusiastically, Well done! A week later, one of these redneck farmers says . Funny Jokes for Kids 1. What type of candy is always late? Thunderwear. A brick. Im a virgin.. It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. 218. A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. Do you know a funny joke? 214. It was just gathering dust. To sing, Hello from the other side! He was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. 230. Liked these funny redneck jokes? What did one pen say to the other? "I responded, "Inflation. "A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Why did Adele cross the road? What do cows most like to read? Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? Because they have a lot of spirit! Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. It's very sensitive! He ate the pizza before it was cool. ", Once, a mosquito walked into a clinic. Those dont look fat-free. Sure they are, the cook said. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. Never shies away from a deep conversation, never runs out of jokes. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. 1. Why did the piano teacher need a ladder? 268. The junk food of the comedy world, you can never have just one. How would you rate the quality of the article? He Neverlands. What do you call a sleeping bull? Because it was a little horse! Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Share. 4. Error occurred when generating embed. A meltdown. 157. What is Forrest Gumps email password? 168. Because its pointless. "Help! The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? What kind of fishing bait do librarians use? He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Quick Lesson. 96. What is an insects favorite sport? A big moron and a little moron were standing on a cliff. 109. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. You spend so much time on the course. Aye matey. In the dictionary. 26. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. 120. Thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us! 232. TODAY: Ready to show teachers some ? How do you make a tissue dance? Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? In inchesthey dont have feet. Well, Bubba began, We wuz havin a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?. Let's be honest - dirty jokes can be a hit or a miss. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh? One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs. But, we all know how these situations tend to go - if you need to remember an entertaining story that has actually happened to you, your mind goes blank, and now the moment to shine is missed. 129. The food is presented to him and after a while, the critic calls the owner to say that there is something missing in his bowl of soup. It is two tired. Where does the General keep his armies? Excited, Jim goes back to Bob and says: I will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic., Logic? Bob said, What the heck is that?. These jokes may be corny, but that doesn't mean they won't make you laugh. It starts to lick himself. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late. Haloumi! The third guy ducks. ", I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? Because the bed wont go to you! I think Im going to go to college.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_4',618,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_5',618,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_1');.large-leaderboard-2-multi-618{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. "The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water? ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. Wanna hear a joke about paper? What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, What was in that bottle? The other person replies, Its hare spray.. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise., Thats amazing, the woman said. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? ", replies the first crow. Poke him on. A shell-ebrity! Their bats flew away. Why wouldnt the shrimp share his treasure? How do you get Pikachu on a bus? They are short and easy to remember. 71. The stork-market! When its full. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel! What has more lives than a cat? The man shakes his head. So they dont peel. A Maybe. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Where do hamburgers go dancing? The man jumps up screaming, grabs his trousers, and runs home to tell his father. Why did the manager bring a pencil and paper to the match? Really? Did you hear the one about the dull pencil? Redneck family was visiting a big city for the first time, and they found themselves in a shopping mall. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? What do you call a lazy kangaroo? "Policeman: "About a gallon. Knock! I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first. 204. Please share in the comments. Why did the restaurant hire a pig? I wonder how deep it is., The second hunter says, I dont know, lets throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom., The first hunter says, Theres this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and well throw it in and see.. Its tricera-bottom! What do you call a fake father? 164. Even when you know the punchline is totally going to make you groan, a clever gag is always worth hearing. An avid traveler, foodie, helicopter parent and couch film critic, Sarah is originally from Minneapolis and has spent the last two decades unsuccessfully trying to figure out the difference between a hoagie and a sub. He pasta-way. "The farmer didn't answer. Moo-Years Day! 197. How do you open a banana? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Follow me on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram for all my latest updates. What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind? Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. 205. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? With a pumpkin patch. ", A food critic visits a local restaurant to review its food for the town magazine. 273. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. It was in tents. What doesnt get any wetter no matter how much it rains? He couldnt see himself doing it. If athletes get athletes foot, what do elves get? said the barber. In a trunk. Cauli-flower. 296. One redneck looks to the other and says: Man, I sure wish I could do that. The other redneck says: Maybe if you pet him first.. 2 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? Hey, bud! 119. What do you call birds that stick together? A dumb blonde joke? Throw him in the mainstream. 238. "I've been here only 20 minutes!". Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. At sundae school. A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. How can you spot a baby snake? The police said some heels started it. BOOOOOOOts. He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didnt realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN. Why did the orange stop? When does Friday come before Thursday? - You take 'em to the old Volk's home. 10,000 soles were lost. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. Hey Pandas, Who Was Your Favorite Black History Month Icon You Learned About This BHM? You're ink-redable. The site is full of free patterns, downloads and I hope plenty of inspiration. Aloha. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Neptunes. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives. Why did the tree go to the dentist? Sure enough, there was a panda. As I was fixing the car, the lady would cross the road and shout "Hello" at me. My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town? Billy Bob and Dale were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Dale, Yaw know, I reckon Im bout ready for a vacation. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. How do you measure a snake? Book-worms! He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. 262. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. It had buck teeth. I sold my vacuum the other day. 118. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Continue with Recommended Cookies. By how much he is coffin. What kind of bug can tell time? When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. "Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there? 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A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. A pork chop. A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. The perfect tummy control bodysuit, a popcorn gadget, more bestsellers starting at $8. A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. 74. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill. Apparently, you cant use beef stew as a password. she screams, "I didn't know you were married before! (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww. They have many fans. Laugh more: Summer Jokes. "A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! 40 New Year's Jokes That Will Have You Laughing into 2023. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?". Because they arrgh! A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. Ten-tickles. ", This is a really bad adaptation of the proper joke, which stars a moth. ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.The art collector replied, Ive had an awful day; lets hear the good news first.The attorney said, Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. The first redneck says, My wifes so damn stupid the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we dont even have a bike.. It wanted to be a water-melon. actually it wasnt that funny but it made me giggle, I said one of these jokes at chritmas and it made my family laugh that much that my Grandma had a heart attack LOL, Your email address will not be published.